Sunday, 27 November 2011

Why Doesn't Love Me ?

My inaugural blog post listed a bunch of dating sites for gay or bi guys in Toronto (if you have any better ideas please let me know).

After reviewing the ratings, I have to admit that I'd probably adjust them today, and it's only been a few months since then.  (I'm still totally behind the x out of 8 inches rating system though, hopefully we'll use that again in the future :)

It's November now though, and I'm experiencing a pre-winter dating "funk."  Coming-out in my 40s caused me experience a "second adolescence" as I've heard it described, which you'd imagine might bring with it nothing but fun times.

But instead I fear that I'm experiencing the same problems this time around that I did the first time back in the 80s when I was trying to fit in... when being gay just didn't seem to be an option for me.

One of the things that I enjoy about the GLBT world today is that there (theoretically) should not be a lot of "rules of engagement."  In nature, some species send the males prancing about to attract mates (and sometimes they even bump into another male in the process).

But with "normal" humans, the girls typically get to wear all the bright coloured outfits and send themselves out to attract mates.

I probably think of myself as some kind of peacock, because deep inside I think I should be "setting-up shop" to try to attract the perfect guy.

Instead, I should probably be actively looking for guys I'd leave my job for, move cross-country or around the world for... but that might involve (gasp) rejection.

It seems I'm relying on the most handsome profile pics I can self-take (yes, mine are current despite the reputation in the gay community) and well-edited profile text describing me and my desires to a "T."

I've even gone back to sites I abandoned to see if there's still hope.  I bumped into my profile on OKCupid and was taken aback by the profoundness of my summary:

My self-summary
So, I've tried a few sites to date to-date (bah dum bum) and I've found that this site -- ironically the site that tries to match you scientifically based on your responses to intimate questions -- is far less productive than sites that don't bother trying to pigeon-hole me into a certain "type of person" who might also like people who think similarly to me.
I've had some fun answering questions and responding to surveys on here, but I'm not kidding when I say that I am getting progressively less interesting matches as I add more information about my interests, politics, beliefs on particular subjects or sex acts, or whatever else.
I personally believe there are a couple of reasons for this.
First, all of these responses make it easy for someone to say "forget it" because of one particular response. Let's call this the Elaine Abortion effect in honour of our modern urban societal bible, the TV show Seinfeld.
Second, I've always accepted that I am not necessarily looking for people that have the same beliefs and opinions as I do, but there isn't a "find the opposite" button on here or anything resembling this.
Looking for a match is tough business, and from what I can see there's no formula for success.

When we extend ourselves, we can get stung.  The last time I reached out to a guy who seemed appealing to me on a "site" (ok it was Grindr lol but I rarely log in) I was immediately blocked by him.

Should I be discouraged ?  Of course not.  There's only one way to find out if there could be a connection.

Though I am quite finicky already, there is a piece of my newfound adolescence that I feel should probably learn the traditional notion of "dating in your league."

But that can mean so many different things.  I've seen plenty of white collar guys after blue collar, twinks after bears, and all things in between.

With a dating pool as diverse as ours, perhaps that old "in your league" notion doesn't really need to apply.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Is it Time for a House Guest+Benefits?

I'm not a typical person, that much I've learned over the years.

And I'm not kidding when I say I really don't know what I want from my gay life right now.

I do know that I really need my alone-time. When I'm with people or even one other person, I'm "on". I'm personable and quite entertaining, if I do say so myself.

This generally works out great for everybody, but I'm probably best served-up in small portions. Just like when, say, a friendly house guest gets into Day 3, my patience with people can begin to wear thin. The plates start to mount-up in the kitchen sink, the bathroom starts to get messy, and the food stores run thin. My routines break down.

I give my all to people. I don't sit down on the subway until all of the women, childern and even every guy near my age or older gets a seat. Whatever the situation, I try to lighten the mood if things are particularly anxious. I pitch-in to help when something is needed.

Like I said at the beginning, I'm not a typical person.

My "specialness" doesn't seem to come through in online dating, though. When a guy is looking for a hot partner on a dating site, the last thing he seems to want to hear is that I'm nice.

When I'm out in public, I get more than my fair share of looks so I know I'm marketable. When it comes time to get phone numbers at a bar, stuff happens, but probably not as often as I'd like. I am getting on in age now, even though I'm graced with youthful looks.

If I have to resort to regularly checking Craigslist "Missed Connections" for guys who may have been too shy to say hello, it's time to think of other ideas.

And when someone special does come along, will I be ready ?

I wish I could say.

I do know that the routines that keep dirty dishes out of my sink, my bathroom relatively tidy, and my food stores well-stocked, probably could use some shaking-up now and then.